(If I shamelessly assume that I have some sort of artistic talent, despite the bleak real situation.) would be an artist. not just any artist. but an artist that OWNs a large studio. well in fact two, so that I can have one studio for exhibition or large scale installation, while in the other one I would be experimenting on a new project. It'd be even nice if both studios are in the same artistic building, and if i could live on top floor with a roof that opens to the starry sky.
don't pinch me. I'm dreaming.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
You're going to reap just what you sow
just a perfect day,
Drink Sangria in the park,
And then later, when it gets dark,
We go home.
Just a perfect day,
Feed animals in the zoo
Then later, a movie, too,
And then home.
Oh it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on.
Just a perfect day,
Problems all left alone,
Weekenders on our own.
It's such fun.
Just a perfect day,
You made me forget myself.
I thought I was someone else,
Someone good.
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow...
......
Just a perfect day, though i didn't spend it in the park drinking sangria, or in the zoo feeding animals. I was walking to school to meet friends for sunday brunch. but it was a perfect day anyway. spring breeze, soft sunshine, sweet flowers, intoxicating fragrances...; two little boys selling lemonade for free on the street, sitting on their knees behind their cute little "counter", golden hair glistening in the sun, stars glittering in their eyes. They are brothers. The little one apparently enjoyed very much people gathering around and talked excitedly. The older one, about 5, much more quietly, poured me a cup of lemonade. Father asked: "Simon, what are you selling the lemonade for?" Simon: "f...f......" The father: "yes. free. but you have to do what?" Both of them: "you have to be good to people." I took the cup Simon handed to me. He looked at me shyly, big eyes with a bit anticipation but more of curiosity: this big girl looks different, would she like my lemonade? what a cute boy! I took a sip, hmm-- fresh, cool, crisp. I drank it up and he smiled. a perfect smile.
Drink Sangria in the park,
And then later, when it gets dark,
We go home.
Just a perfect day,
Feed animals in the zoo
Then later, a movie, too,
And then home.
Oh it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on.
Just a perfect day,
Problems all left alone,
Weekenders on our own.
It's such fun.
Just a perfect day,
You made me forget myself.
I thought I was someone else,
Someone good.
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow...
......
Just a perfect day, though i didn't spend it in the park drinking sangria, or in the zoo feeding animals. I was walking to school to meet friends for sunday brunch. but it was a perfect day anyway. spring breeze, soft sunshine, sweet flowers, intoxicating fragrances...; two little boys selling lemonade for free on the street, sitting on their knees behind their cute little "counter", golden hair glistening in the sun, stars glittering in their eyes. They are brothers. The little one apparently enjoyed very much people gathering around and talked excitedly. The older one, about 5, much more quietly, poured me a cup of lemonade. Father asked: "Simon, what are you selling the lemonade for?" Simon: "f...f......" The father: "yes. free. but you have to do what?" Both of them: "you have to be good to people." I took the cup Simon handed to me. He looked at me shyly, big eyes with a bit anticipation but more of curiosity: this big girl looks different, would she like my lemonade? what a cute boy! I took a sip, hmm-- fresh, cool, crisp. I drank it up and he smiled. a perfect smile.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
storm
as summer is closer and closer, temperature gets higher and higher, i have been questioning, hmm... what is the excuse now, since the weather is getting nicer, for the school swimming pool to remain a forbidden place. I had uselessly hoped many times that somebody or many somebodyS would protest and the swimming pool would then open very soon. I mean, there will be no heavy snow or ice to crash the roof anyway. Well, I guess in that sense, the storm came just in time to prove that i was wrong. haha... what a good feeling it is being important, even just self-important.
The storm was pretty bad. My little apartment on top floor shaked quite a bit. I did start to imagine all kinds of possibilities. For instance, if my apartment would be somehow destroyed by the storm... although that would actually make me homeless, and i would lose all the cute stuff i have here but all the not-so-cute stuff or the not-so-happy incidents would be also taken away completely. oh well... i guess the conclusion is that the house needs to be renovated, better be concrete structure.
The woman's locker room in YMCA has been closed for the whole week, while the storm kept sending water inside through the leaking roof. Water drips, hits, and splashes, what a symphony! So the family locker room was assigned to us. There were three rooms, all occupied. So I was just holding my towel and shower stuff, waiting in the line. A mom was helping her little daughter to dry her hair and put on her coat and shoes. There was also screaming from inside of one of the bath room. And then, this little girl, who's about 6 or 7 (can't tell), started to say to her mom: "that kid... has been screaming ever since we got into the bathroom.... so loud, so annoying......" Her mom: "I don't want to hear it. stop right there. Do not ......" Don't remember exactly what they said. The overheard conversation struck me like a little storm though. Kids... mother... what a difficult job!
I do remember one other storm in New Orleans. Well, not the catastrophic Katrina. I was sleeping soundly in the hotel room, didn't feel a thing, no shaking no whatever. While heading to the airport the next morning, I was shocked to see so many trees knocked down by the storm, with bare roots landing the streets, lifelessly.
The storm was pretty bad. My little apartment on top floor shaked quite a bit. I did start to imagine all kinds of possibilities. For instance, if my apartment would be somehow destroyed by the storm... although that would actually make me homeless, and i would lose all the cute stuff i have here but all the not-so-cute stuff or the not-so-happy incidents would be also taken away completely. oh well... i guess the conclusion is that the house needs to be renovated, better be concrete structure.
The woman's locker room in YMCA has been closed for the whole week, while the storm kept sending water inside through the leaking roof. Water drips, hits, and splashes, what a symphony! So the family locker room was assigned to us. There were three rooms, all occupied. So I was just holding my towel and shower stuff, waiting in the line. A mom was helping her little daughter to dry her hair and put on her coat and shoes. There was also screaming from inside of one of the bath room. And then, this little girl, who's about 6 or 7 (can't tell), started to say to her mom: "that kid... has been screaming ever since we got into the bathroom.... so loud, so annoying......" Her mom: "I don't want to hear it. stop right there. Do not ......" Don't remember exactly what they said. The overheard conversation struck me like a little storm though. Kids... mother... what a difficult job!
I do remember one other storm in New Orleans. Well, not the catastrophic Katrina. I was sleeping soundly in the hotel room, didn't feel a thing, no shaking no whatever. While heading to the airport the next morning, I was shocked to see so many trees knocked down by the storm, with bare roots landing the streets, lifelessly.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
danger!
you think you can hide. but you can't!
I am such an asshole. Why? why i started to feel annoyed? why can't I just laugh at it and shrug off? Why can't I like people around me? what's wrong with those people? or rather what's wrong with me? I AM capable of putting up with insignificant things. Why get serious then? but do I have to? do I need to? I don't know...
I think I can hide. But should I?
I am such an asshole. Why? why i started to feel annoyed? why can't I just laugh at it and shrug off? Why can't I like people around me? what's wrong with those people? or rather what's wrong with me? I AM capable of putting up with insignificant things. Why get serious then? but do I have to? do I need to? I don't know...
I think I can hide. But should I?
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Sunday, February 11, 2007
今天哭得厉害
有那样东西在那里，反复地让我患得患失。又另一样东西在那里，反复地让我患得患失。只好努力转移注意力。看到地铁超人的事迹，忍不住痛哭。有时候生死悬于一霎那。幸者是英雄。不幸者也是英雄。幸运的英雄多好啊。英雄本就该是幸运的。英雄本就该对着死神自信的微笑，你奈何不了我的。英雄本就会勇敢的向死神挑战，无惧得失。
为那样东西我患得患失的搞间谍行动，肯定否定否定肯定。一无所获，疲惫不堪。为另样东西我患得患失的看文章，十个字到了眼睛，却只有一个近得了脑子。一无所获，疲惫不堪。唉，每天被患得患失患得患失的折磨着。只有哭的时候才真切感觉到或得或失，反而无惑而痛快。
归根结底还是勇气的缺失罢----没有勇气拨开迷雾，走向“失”，不回头。以为有了迷雾的遮盖，便可以自欺欺人的认为那个方向牌可能指的是往“得”而去。
为那样东西我患得患失的搞间谍行动，肯定否定否定肯定。一无所获，疲惫不堪。为另样东西我患得患失的看文章，十个字到了眼睛，却只有一个近得了脑子。一无所获，疲惫不堪。唉，每天被患得患失患得患失的折磨着。只有哭的时候才真切感觉到或得或失，反而无惑而痛快。
归根结底还是勇气的缺失罢----没有勇气拨开迷雾，走向“失”，不回头。以为有了迷雾的遮盖，便可以自欺欺人的认为那个方向牌可能指的是往“得”而去。
Saturday, February 03, 2007
留下？还是逃跑？
最近想逃跑的意愿越来越强烈。即使没有真的逃走掉，身心却已经彻底的松懈下来了。脑子可以刻意地不做任何和工作有关的思想活动。老板可以不见就尽量躲着，反正他忙得自顾不暇。放纵自己把时间消耗在连轴的电视电影上，在四处闲逛上。可以每天消耗一个小时在游泳池，眼睛躲在反光的游泳镜片后面，挥舞四肢，在水里吐泡泡，换气，挥舞四肢，在水里吐泡泡，换气，机械的重复。把自己搞得疲惫不堪，倒在床上便死睡过去。哪里有时间做大脑运动。哪里会给夜机会沉沉地唤醒悲伤，让自己辗转反侧然后痛哭流泪。
我想做逃兵。却又不甘心这么快便逃了。其实也不快啊。但是时间也不短啊。没有足够努力的尝试啊。试了啊，时间就是在不停的尝试当中消逝的。再耐心一点点啊，也许马上就可以见到曙光了呢。每次都是这样安慰自己，可是每次又都是落空。都试了这么多次了，时间精力都搭进去了，这个时候逃跑不是前功尽弃了吗？可是接着再试再不成功，浪费的时间精力不是更多吗？你怎么知道这次就一定是浪费了呢？当然其实我还没有完全下定决心是因为一则我没有自己想象得那么勇敢，二来逃到哪里去呢？...... 自己和自己的对话可以无停歇的进行下去，却没有办法说服任何一个自己。
唉，睡觉了去吧。
想起今天是某人生日，这一折就当是给他的了，虽然没有快乐的语调。只是希望我们都能更加勇敢坚强一些。现代人其实很vulnerable。比较起来，林黛玉都算不了什么了。
我想做逃兵。却又不甘心这么快便逃了。其实也不快啊。但是时间也不短啊。没有足够努力的尝试啊。试了啊，时间就是在不停的尝试当中消逝的。再耐心一点点啊，也许马上就可以见到曙光了呢。每次都是这样安慰自己，可是每次又都是落空。都试了这么多次了，时间精力都搭进去了，这个时候逃跑不是前功尽弃了吗？可是接着再试再不成功，浪费的时间精力不是更多吗？你怎么知道这次就一定是浪费了呢？当然其实我还没有完全下定决心是因为一则我没有自己想象得那么勇敢，二来逃到哪里去呢？...... 自己和自己的对话可以无停歇的进行下去，却没有办法说服任何一个自己。
唉，睡觉了去吧。
想起今天是某人生日，这一折就当是给他的了，虽然没有快乐的语调。只是希望我们都能更加勇敢坚强一些。现代人其实很vulnerable。比较起来，林黛玉都算不了什么了。
Sunday, January 28, 2007
"behind the headlines"
is a talk show on one of the most influential TV channels in China. The idea of the show is that the host invites two other more or less celebrated guests and talk about the headline news like casual chatting, in light atmostphere, but not entirely without any seriousness. Sometimes even very unorthodox opinion can be heard, which is quite daring, considering in China rigorous media censorship is applied everywhere. The show has been out for more than one year and became quite popular by now. But I got to know it only till earlier today. sigh, what a shame!
The reason that drives me to search something about China online, something more contemporary, more relevant, more reflectable, or more meaningful to my standard, is that I am becoming more and more estranged and unaware of what are happening in the busy and fast-pacing home country and start to fear that I might be too outdated, too "behind the headlines".
"behind the headlines" is then a natural choice for me to try to catch up a little bit, but also helps to avoid the painful reading of obscure messages in the newspaper.
Two episodes I've watched. And two episodes I will probably ever watch. In the first episode i watched, they talked about Saddam Hussein's execution. And the suicide rate of college students in China is getting higher in the second one. I have to say, these are "good" topics, not necessarily something "good" about those incidents, but they provide "good" materials to talk about. But much to my disappointment, by the end of the two episodes, I was so frsutrated and so worried so uneasy that I had to say something to shift the worries and put down the uneasiness, if that can be done.
The first one, about Hussein's execution. It might well be my poor comprehensive ability. But I just couldn't tell what message they were trying to convey or they sent out any at all. The three kept talking about their sympathy towards Hussein who didn't get the right treatment, not even right before and after he died. I was waiting and waiting, to hear the word "human rights", to hear that even a to-be-executed criminal should have his basic rights as a human being. But I didn't. I knew to talk about human rights in china a decade ago is like to talk about hungry tigers and everybody gets frightened and depressed. I wanted to hear some clear message, such as, that it is fair and rightful to feel sympathetic towards a dying human being and to accuse the hangman's lack of humanity while the execution of a criminal, convicted through "lawful and justified" trial process, should be supported wholeheartedly as well. But I didn't. I don't know, perhaps inexplicit knowledge and not to be clear-cut is the nowadays fashion?
The second one about the college students' suicide rate. I was literally shoved off the chair. There was a girl guest, who's about the same age as me, who got famous because of her role as a teenager girl in China's 1st ever sitcom in early 90's. A funny girl, loves to laugh. But what bothers me is that she laughed through the discussion especially when she talked about a college student who commited suicide and declared that the suicidals are nothing else but weak or abnormal. What I couldn't understand is how she can still laugh while talking about loss, permanently, of a young life.
ironically, the suicide epidose was aired just one day earlier than the other one. Otherwise, I might have been able to hear something i had missed: some leftover sympathy.
a little sad. If "behind the headlines" is indeed the cansual chattings about personal sentiments or some meaningless gossips but no real concern about appeals for more societal attention or sincere effort for possible means to solve or mitigate the problems, I would rather be "behind the headlines". I hope the next show i'll bump into will be a little more cheerful.
The reason that drives me to search something about China online, something more contemporary, more relevant, more reflectable, or more meaningful to my standard, is that I am becoming more and more estranged and unaware of what are happening in the busy and fast-pacing home country and start to fear that I might be too outdated, too "behind the headlines".
"behind the headlines" is then a natural choice for me to try to catch up a little bit, but also helps to avoid the painful reading of obscure messages in the newspaper.
Two episodes I've watched. And two episodes I will probably ever watch. In the first episode i watched, they talked about Saddam Hussein's execution. And the suicide rate of college students in China is getting higher in the second one. I have to say, these are "good" topics, not necessarily something "good" about those incidents, but they provide "good" materials to talk about. But much to my disappointment, by the end of the two episodes, I was so frsutrated and so worried so uneasy that I had to say something to shift the worries and put down the uneasiness, if that can be done.
The first one, about Hussein's execution. It might well be my poor comprehensive ability. But I just couldn't tell what message they were trying to convey or they sent out any at all. The three kept talking about their sympathy towards Hussein who didn't get the right treatment, not even right before and after he died. I was waiting and waiting, to hear the word "human rights", to hear that even a to-be-executed criminal should have his basic rights as a human being. But I didn't. I knew to talk about human rights in china a decade ago is like to talk about hungry tigers and everybody gets frightened and depressed. I wanted to hear some clear message, such as, that it is fair and rightful to feel sympathetic towards a dying human being and to accuse the hangman's lack of humanity while the execution of a criminal, convicted through "lawful and justified" trial process, should be supported wholeheartedly as well. But I didn't. I don't know, perhaps inexplicit knowledge and not to be clear-cut is the nowadays fashion?
The second one about the college students' suicide rate. I was literally shoved off the chair. There was a girl guest, who's about the same age as me, who got famous because of her role as a teenager girl in China's 1st ever sitcom in early 90's. A funny girl, loves to laugh. But what bothers me is that she laughed through the discussion especially when she talked about a college student who commited suicide and declared that the suicidals are nothing else but weak or abnormal. What I couldn't understand is how she can still laugh while talking about loss, permanently, of a young life.
ironically, the suicide epidose was aired just one day earlier than the other one. Otherwise, I might have been able to hear something i had missed: some leftover sympathy.
a little sad. If "behind the headlines" is indeed the cansual chattings about personal sentiments or some meaningless gossips but no real concern about appeals for more societal attention or sincere effort for possible means to solve or mitigate the problems, I would rather be "behind the headlines". I hope the next show i'll bump into will be a little more cheerful.
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