This is a dream I had last night. Somehow I and the other girls from my college class gathered together in a ridiculously small kitchen and were preparing a meal together. Although which in reality would not likely happen any time soon, I did wish i could hear again the sound of water briskly streaming down the faucet, in that small crowded kitchen. Everybody was happy and we chatted, randomly, aimlessly, meaninglessly, just like what we would do a few years ago. It really takes no effort to picture how everybody talks, 'cause they've been tatooed in my mind. Then J said something, with her usual tone, calm, sometimes a little sardonic. But somehow these words upsetted my ears, in a way, i don't remember at all. They sounded colder than calm, as if they were blown off her nose. They sounded tired, as if they took lots of effort to finally get through. So i said something back. And of course she said something back again. Although i have no idea what she and I had said up to this point, what she said then, right at that moment, saddened me so much that i woke up right away. And even upon having realized that was just a dream, the burden of sadness still didn't get a bit off my head at all.
She said: YQ, you are getting spoiled!
S--P--O--I--L--E--D! The whole day, this was roaring in my ears, in every minute of peace I get between works. It was so devastateingly sad that i surrendered myself immediately and completely lost the will to analyze. Untill later, after I have stuffed myself a huge cookie with chunks of chocolates in it, I mustered a little courage to look at it and think through. I started to ask what exactly getting spoiled means? Am I like a box of Tofu curd, left at a wretched place, getting spoiled? Though she seemed to mean that I'm so screwed up but i don't even know it myself. But I thought i knew. Were there more problems that I haven't realized yet. I do not have the guts to look at my problems so i insist on ignoring them, pretending they don't exist? But I am trying to look up. oh so confusing! I better ask her later tonight when I sleep. But i'm not sad any more. hmm. yummm... chocolate is good.
3 comments:
As I told you today in the Ivy room, I enjoy reading your writing very much. Not only because you write so well, but also because you write so close to my heart, to what I feel and to what I (used to) write myself.
Don't go anywhere when Andrew's around. OK? We'll have a great time (and miss the missing ones) together. I promise!
See you around,
H.
Miss you tons Yanqiu!
Hossein, I won't go anywhere when Andrew's around. we will certainly have lots of fun.
Kina, I made my first piece of work with the sewing machine today-- a handbag. haha! miss you lots too. Although you are probably busy in showing your parents around Paris. somehow I can imagine it. so nice! so cute!
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