addict

to some extent, more or less, slightly more or slightly less, a lot more or a lot less, everybody is an addict. And I'm just the biggest addict ever. I rely on so many things so much so surprisingly that I'd completely turn into an ugly stack of skeleton if I ever lose any one of my addictions.

For example the first thing i do after getting to work is to turn on my computer and surf online. More often than not, after i finished checking a few regularly visited websites, I immediately found myself in emptiness. sigh. not knowing what to do. not knowing what to think about. the typical symptom: anxiety--what to do what to do---->depression--nothing to do nothing to do---->momentary momentum--find something to do find something to do---->impatience--can't find anything to do can't find anything to do---->surrender--there is nothing to do there is nothing to do---->complete despair--i'll just read whatever meaningless things i just read a few minutes ago.

I guess maybe i'm not addictive to lots of thing but just addictive to doing meaningless things although i might sound detesting this idea yet subconsciously and practically never stop exercising it. But indeed what a great addiction it is! if i could just sleep on problems i better face. what a great addiction it is! if I could just not worry about finding solutions. what a great addiction it is! even if it's just one minute of peace. what a great addiction it is! if i could just keep feeding myself candies! who needs to know there is bitterness anyway?

i better go sleep again! and sleep good sleep lot! at least in dreams i see heaven, where people only addict to meaningful things, very meaningful.