my treasure box

i have a collection of precious things. they bring back good times, memorable times. these are times when they make me smile. times when they make me cry. times when they make me tougher. times when they make me feel that i matter.

the most recent treasure i put into my treasure box is "I'm just sad and depressed for you... if you need someone to be there, I'll be more than happy to." a few words i heard earlier today between 6:50pm and 7pm in office.

I can't remember very well exactly when i collected the rest of my treasures though. But more importantly i do remember what all these treasures meant to me each single time when i acquired them. There was a hug I got from K when i felt really bad after talking to the boss. There was a grab of my arm from Z when the suddenly turning bus almost swung me to the floor. There was a phone call I got from J when i was stressed out upon graduating from college. There were a few words that i heard while watching movie JFK with M...... so many of them. i can never finish the list. i'm just thankful too all these precious things. even when i couldn't correlate any of these precious items with any current ongoing issue, i would still be basking myself in the shine of my treasure box.

lost in translation

is a movie that does not make a bit sense to happy people but certainly shakes lots of senses out of people who otherwise are not so happy. I almost forgot about it since I have been trying so hard to pretend that I'm indeed a happy person, to the extent I even fooled myself into believing in that. Yet when it was mentioned over a casual conversation a few days ago, I had no place to hide, the sounds of loneliness echoed in my ears, the images of silence flashed in my head.

Got back home, went ahead to my movie corner, dug out the movie, dusted the dvd box, put the movie into the player, sat down and watched it again... I can't say the sadness one would pile up upon discovering some cruel reality was heavy enough. But the buoyant steam of the tea i made at starting the movie did turn into coldness in the end.

it is just unbearable to even imagine a tiny bit that how love can so easily slip away from people who were once in love. and how confusing and vulnerable people can be when they get lost. I was lost once in the busy streets of new york city. It was a sunny afternoon. I was walking on the sideway. and happy i think. And all of a sudden, a flow of bitterness run over me. it was probably more like a stroke, with one heart beat missing. I was lost in the roaring crowd. I didn't understand why there were so many people appearing on the same spot at the same time. and Why did i need to be here in this foreign city. why and why these people, this city had anything to do with me. would i be able to came out of the crowd or do i even want to come out at all? The high-rise buidlings on the sides of the busy streets were quiet. They didn't answer me. Probably they've seen enough and are tired of it. They just casted their equaly silent shadows down. but the shadows were so heavy on my shoulder. I could not find a way out. I could not see the sky. I could not breathe. Sure, it was only a moment of sadness. yet it was powerful enough to hit me into a momentary paralysis. Everything seemed so strange so intimidating. I was lost.

The ending of the movie was sort of a happy one though. They kissed, a memorable kiss of many meanings. They each then went back to their own normal life, knowing that they were found by each other at the times when they were lost. and the sweet warm memory will be alive ever.

addict

to some extent, more or less, slightly more or slightly less, a lot more or a lot less, everybody is an addict. And I'm just the biggest addict ever. I rely on so many things so much so surprisingly that I'd completely turn into an ugly stack of skeleton if I ever lose any one of my addictions.

For example the first thing i do after getting to work is to turn on my computer and surf online. More often than not, after i finished checking a few regularly visited websites, I immediately found myself in emptiness. sigh. not knowing what to do. not knowing what to think about. the typical symptom: anxiety--what to do what to do---->depression--nothing to do nothing to do---->momentary momentum--find something to do find something to do---->impatience--can't find anything to do can't find anything to do---->surrender--there is nothing to do there is nothing to do---->complete despair--i'll just read whatever meaningless things i just read a few minutes ago.

I guess maybe i'm not addictive to lots of thing but just addictive to doing meaningless things although i might sound detesting this idea yet subconsciously and practically never stop exercising it. But indeed what a great addiction it is! if i could just sleep on problems i better face. what a great addiction it is! if I could just not worry about finding solutions. what a great addiction it is! even if it's just one minute of peace. what a great addiction it is! if i could just keep feeding myself candies! who needs to know there is bitterness anyway?

i better go sleep again! and sleep good sleep lot! at least in dreams i see heaven, where people only addict to meaningful things, very meaningful.

2 discoveries

I'm not sure what other people do when they have a difficult time to fall asleep, for various reasons. As for me, i don't count the white fluffy sheep, I don't get up and drink warm milk, I don't read obscure stuff to depress my active neurons, I don't indulge myself in the calm relaxing stress-relief crap, also called aromatherapy... I took pills once or twice...I drank alcohol several times...although both were under extreme conditions. But more than often, i don't really do anything, just close my eyes, wait... and wait...ing...... peacefully blankly, or not so with occasional toss-and-turns, until sleepbugs strike. Yet one night, while i was doing the same routine, allowing myself doing nothing thinking of nothing, I opened my eyes. I couldn't say exactly why, other than i was curious if I was able to "see" myself falling asleep. Perhaps... in fact the split second I opened my eyes wide and looked up, i started picturing scenes already. I see light in darkness! I see yellowish white halo above my head! and no, I was not dreaming. It wasn't illusional. and yes I was still awake. It was real. There they were, on the slanted wall, shinny stars right above me. One, two, three.... 12 of them. Instinctively, i reached out my hand......

If i stop right here, I'd only remember what a nice surprise it was although people would think that i'm crazy. and if i go on... the boring nature of almost everything lashes out. No mercy in diligently whipping my rebellious mind-adventure... so... maybe i shall not finish up the story by telling that the shiny stars were actually fluorescence paper cut into star-shapes sticking to the wall... oops...

perhaps i will get more of those cute little stars... if beaten enough.